Should We Control Our Emotions?

When we were born, most of us were encouraged to show our emotions. In fact, that is the only way we could communicate with our caregivers.

When we were hungry, we let everyone know by crying. When we were tired, we would oftentimes get cranky. When we were cutting teeth, we let it be known that we were feeling pain. When we were happy, we cooed and giggled.

We communicated our needs by sharing how we were feeling. As we grew into toddlers, most of us experienced messages from these same folks that we needed to now scale back how we communicated our emotions.

We were definitely not allowed to show anger. And quite often, if we were too happy and squealing with joy, we would find ourselves being told we were “being too loud” and to tone it down.

As adults, men that exhibited emotions were considered wimpy. Women are still, in many environments, considered to be less qualified for a job because they “are too emotional”, especially during certain weeks of the month.

So, what is the impact of all of this conditioning by society from well-meaning caregivers, the media and other influential bodies of society?

One word….

Deprivation.

Deprivation of the joy and the happiness most are seeking. Most folks believe that if they could only generate some level of wealth, they could tell everyone to “kiss off” and get back to being who they really are. Get back to being themselves.

They would be able to show their emotions and not have to worry about what other people think because they would have attained a position and posture in society so that what other people think of them would finally seem immaterial.

The flaw in that thinking is: Until we can be our own person – and shed all of that nonsense and all those dis-empowering thoughts – success and wealth is unattainable.

The other negative impact to “controlling” our emotions is: we lose our connection to our own inner guidance. Some folks call it gut feeling. Some call it intuition. Whatever you want to call it – it is the core reason most folks have trouble trusting their own judgment. They have trouble being courageous enough to try new things because they have developed some level of fear that they are going to fail. They are going to be criticized or worse yet – even laughed at.

Without understanding how the emotions work, I can see how they may not be using their emotions as a guidance system and instead be told “Emotion is a dangerous pill when doing business” as advised, in this blog video by Gary Vaynerchuk. I have learned lots from Gary about internet marketing and business, but I don’t agree with him, in this instance. (Of course, I don’t know what motivated/inspired him to record that video – bad customer service? Or something else entirely?)

Anyway, I believe our emotional guidance system is a fantastic tool for telling us when we are track or not.

On track with what, you might ask?

Our intentions.

In other words, many folks make decisions from a place of what they “don’t want to have happen – rather than making a decision from a place of what they “do want to have happen.”

Example: They own a business and have a customer complaint.

Instead of taking a few minutes to line themselves up – mentally and emotionally – with what they want to have happen during the customer service call – they are focusing on the opposite.

Typical process – Pondering the problem with the energy and thoughts going towards:

I don’t want to get angry at this customer.

I don’t want to have to spend a lot of time on this.

I hope I don’t have to return any money, especially they way cash flow is right now.

Better process – Flipping the above list above around 180 degrees:

I want to feel calm and centered regardless of what happens.

I intend to take care of this with grace, in an efficient and courteous manner.

It is my intention this is a win-win for all parties involved.

Taking the time to pre-plan, prior to making the call to the unhappy customer is the same process athletes use before going out on the field.

They don’t just go charging up to the line and begin running helter skelter, without any connection to how they feel about the play. And while pondering the play, they don’t focus on “I sure hope I don’t drop this ball!” Athletes know that focusing on what they don’t want to have happen is the kiss of death.

Instead, they position themselves on the line. They breathe. They look at the target. They breathe.

They take the time to reach an emotional state of certainty and calmness, mixed with a bit of excitement, for what’s to come.

Athletes get poised to take action – before they take action.

And because the play is “rehearsed” – mentally and emotionally, the chances are much greater the play will be a success.

So, I contend that we should not (continue to) squelch our emotions. But instead, get in the habit of rehearsing how we want our activities to go. Get in the habit of rehearsing how we want our entire day to go and use our emotions for what they were intended -as a guidance system for how in tune we are with our Inner Being.

Get in touch with YOU. Get in touch with how you want things to play out – and THEN, take the action. Everyone will be much better for it.

Final note: There is no coincidence that the athletes that are able to do this more effectively than their counterparts are the ones that are the most successful. Something to be learned here, for sure.

Disclaimer: The generalities made here about “most folks” were made, based on the thousands of people, including business executives, commissioned sales people and other “walks of life” I have coached over the last 20 plus years. If it doesn’t apply to you, don’t worry about it.

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Tagged as: Business, Emotions, Gary Vaynerchuk